Humor, god som dårlig!

 

[Thore]

Der stod to køer på en mark

Så sagde den ene: Muhhh

Så sagde den anden: Det var lige det jeg skulle til og sige

[wirenfeldt]

(Har lige set titanic til et projekt, også kom jeg i tanke om denne vits, skal siges at den er virkelig dårlig )
Hvorfor svømmer blondinerne rundt på bunden af havet?
De leder efter Leonardo DiCaprio..

[SaneSoul]

(Har lige set titanic til et projekt, også kom jeg i tanke om denne vits, skal siges at den er virkelig dårlig )
Hvorfor svømmer blondinerne rundt på bunden af havet?
De leder efter Leonardo DiCaprio..

Tjaeh hvis bare han var blevet dernede....

[wirenfeldt]

Tjaeh hvis bare han var blevet dernede....

HAHA! Se DET er humor!

[arsenalistic]

I julens ånd, lidt citater fra Bad Santa:


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Kid: Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?
Willie: No, thank the fuck Christ.
Kid: What about the elves?
Willie: Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa. I get them on the weekends.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hindustani Troublemaker: I am not gay!
Willie: What the hell, buddy.
Hindustani Troublemaker: Buddy? I said I am not gay!
Willie: Are you off your fucking meds or something?
Hindustani Troublemaker: Yes. But that isn't what this is about. You're as queer as a ten dollar bill.
Willie: Let me tell you something, motherfucker. My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam. So I want you to look at me. I want you to look at my face one last fucking time. This is the last thing your ever gonna see before I...
Hindustani Troublemaker: [grabs Willie and pins him against the car] Elf fucker! Motherfucker. Elf fucker! Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Faggy Claus! Faggy...


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[wirenfeldt]

Manden kommer hjem til konen efter arbejde. Hun spørger ham: "Hvorfor er der grene på bilen?" Han svarede: "Fordi jeg mødte en perker på vejen." Hun svarede: "Okay, jamen hvorfor er der så grene på bilen?" Han svarede: "Fordi han prøvede at flygte ind i skoven."

For at denne joke ikke skal fremstå som racistisk, så kan "perkeren" skiftes ud med en hvid mand?

[Thore]

Den er vel rasistisk uanset om det er en hvid eller en sort mand 

[Hawkins]

Manden kommer hjem til konen efter arbejde. Hun spørger ham: "Hvorfor er der grene på bilen?" Han svarede: "Fordi jeg mødte en perker på vejen." Hun svarede: "Okay, jamen hvorfor er der så grene på bilen?" Han svarede: "Fordi han prøvede at flygte ind i skoven."

For at denne joke ikke skal fremstå som racistisk, så kan "perkeren" skiftes ud med en hvid mand?

Ja, stadig racistiskt... Lav det om til en Chelsea Fan

[Bademesteren]

Ølkastning på stadion har vi alle oplevet, men i <denne reklamefilm fra Codan kommer løsningen 

[LosCules]

Ja, stadig racistiskt... Lav det om til en Chelsea Fan

Grrr..

Lav det om til Hawk1nZ

Det' gas, du ka' ta' det .

[Borelli BB]

Ølkastning på stadion har vi alle oplevet, men i <denne reklamefilm fra Codan kommer løsningen 

Den er faktisk meget griner 

[Bademesteren]

Fik lige denne håndfuld tilsendt... 

Mænd støvsuger på samme måde som de har sex.
- De sætter bare stikket i, larmer i 3 minutter, kollapser så på sofaen og mener at konen bare skal være henrykt.
 
Hvilken plante er så farlig, at hvis man sidder under den i mere end 3 minutter vil man dø?
En åkande...
 
I dag bruges der flere penge på silikonebryster og viagra, end forskning i alzheimer.
Om 30 år sidder vi så med store bryster og ståpik... og ingen kan huske hvorfor!!!
 

De fire stadier i livet som mand:
1) Du tror på Julemanden.
2) Du tror ikke på Julemanden.
3) Du er Julemanden.
4) Du ligner Julemanden.
 

Børn på bagsædet kan forårsage ulykker!
Ulykker på bagsædet kan forårsage børn!
 

- Når du er ung, kan du vælge & vrage!
- Når du bliver ældre, kan du vælge mellem vragene
 
Hvorfor er en mand som en snestorm?
Jo, for du ved ikke hvornår den kommer, hvor mange centimeter du får, samt hvor lang tid det vil vare!
 
Kvinden råber:
"For helvede her roder... Kom nu!
Vi bliver nødt til at rydde op - både dig og mig.
Dit lort ligger og flyder over det hele på gulvet.
Du kommer til at gå på arbejde uden tøj,
Hvis ikke vi får vasket lige her og nu!”

Manden hører:
"Bla, Bla, Bla, Bla, KOM NU!
Bla, Bla, Bla, Bla, DIG OG MIG
Bla, Bla, Bla, Bla, PÅ GULVET
Bla, Bla, Bla, Bla, UDEN TØJ.
Bla, Bla, Bla, Bla, LIGE HER OG NU!"

Hvorfor hedder det kvinder"? Fjern det første bogstav og du har svaret.
Og nu kan du så fundere lidt over hvad der sker, når man fjerner
Det første bogstav i mand…

Hvad er ligheden mellem mænd og høns?
Lille hjerne - stor i kæften og de tror begge, at netop deres pind
Er den bedste…

Manden og konen ser boksning på TV.
Manden: Øv hvor skuffende, nu har jeg ventet på det her i over 4
uger og så er kampen ovre på 4 minutter. Konen: Det kender jeg godt!

[NooNoo]

Love, Lust and Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- When your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed

[NooNoo]

HOW THE BIRTH ORDER OF YOUR CHILDREN CHANGES THE WAY THINGS ARE DONE:

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

[Bademesteren]

Læste lige om denne fodboldkamp, der er så mærkelig, at jeg har smidt den i humortråden. 

http://www.snopes.com/sports/soccer/barbados.htm